She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
