I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
