So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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