its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
