i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
