you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
