I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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