guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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