My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my being single is dangerous.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
