yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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