I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
