I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
