I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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