Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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