I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
