if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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