This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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