weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
