Did I show you my penis last night?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
