god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
