Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
