You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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