Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
