just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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