I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
