New invention idea: vibrating tampons
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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