i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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