I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
