At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
