The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Randomize
