I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Then you guys just all showered together...?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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