Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
