My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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