Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
