the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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