3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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