wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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