Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
