Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
