In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
