We won't sleep together?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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