i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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