I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
