NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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