she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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