And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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