my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
