Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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