i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize