I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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