I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
