No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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