it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
