tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
