this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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